In the nasty, disgusting, oily world of fast food, options be limited. Life be hard. Food be gross. In the words of baseball player Oscar Gamble, “They don’t think it be like it is, but it do.”

When you’re driving home from practice or out on a Sunday, you do not want appalling Mexican food that makes you regurgitate by just thinking about it, and you most certainly do not want a “burger” with 530 calories. The big question: where are you supposed to go?

In 1990, the second Coming of our Lord and Savior came through Zach Mcleroy and Tony Townley.  These two geniuses started a franchise that we call Zaxby’s.

Zaxby’s serves chicken, Zalads, wings, and Zax Sauce. If you ask me, I’d say that it is all finger lickin’ good. The Center for Disease Control ranks delicious substances on a scale of 0 to 3. In my expert medical opinion,  Zaxby’s chicken is a solid 2.97, making it the most delicious substance in the world. Because no food or drink has ever been ranked so high, just how delicious is 2.97?

Zaxby’s chicken has been known to alter the state of one’s mind, sending it into a chicken euphoria. When I go to Zaxby’s, I walk in and admire the baseball memorabilia, old Coca-Cola advertisements, and vintage street signs on the walls.  

I order my food: chicken finger sandwich meal, every time. The incredibly friendly cashier hands me my food, and I sit down. I then proceed to eat the most delicious chicken on the planet, and I instantly vanish into the euphoria of chicken.

It is then that I can say “Hey, I’m lovin’ it!” I know when I put that tender chicken tender in my mouth, and chew slowly to savor it to the maximum, that I can honestly tell myself, “Now that’s better,” with a sigh of relief.

Every time I go, I come hungry and leave happy.  It pains me to think that some people have to tolerate inferior food because they haven’t experienced the wondrous adventure land of Zaxby’s. They should “eat mor chikin.”

Quick rhetorical question: How do you know a certain fast food chain is better a different fast food chain? When both the entrées and the sauce are better than the other’s. The proof is not in the pudding! It’s in the sauce.

I am not a sauce person. I get weird looks when I order salad without dressing or send my burgers back when they come with ketchup/mustard/mayonnaise. I hate sauce. All sauce.

However, at this wonderful institution of food, they have something called “Zax Sauce.” Zax Sauce is the greatest thing on the face of planet earth. Velveeta is liquid gold? False. Zax Sauce is liquid gold. I cannot get enough of Zax Sauce.  It will take more than twelve steps to kick this sauce, but who would ever want to?

“Haters keep on hating, cause somebody’s gotta do it,” said Chris Brown. To all you haters, I will do what the great T. Swift told me to, so you can “Hate, hate, hate, hate” but I am just going to “Shake it off.”

Lucky for you, I’m not the only one to praise the chickenland utopia. SMHS English teacher and debate coach Brandon Kendall said, “it is delicious, and [the debate team goes] there quite a bit. The primary reason we attend Zaxby’s is because their chicken is killa, spelled k-i-l-l-a! They always are very friendly, very affable, and like I said, their chicken is killa!”

Literally everyone on planet Earth loves Zaxby’s, so next time you’re on the road, and you need a fast bite, stop at Zaxby’s. They serve chicken, and it’s indescribably good.